The way that you should apologize for lying depends on a few factors, including the following:
- Who you are apologizing to, and their relationship to you
- What the effect of your lie was
- How the other person feels about your lie
Just as any situation, the context of what you did (why you lied) and what you do about it (how you apologize) matters! Remember also that, if you can, apologizing in person or over the phone is much better than sending an email or text. Adding your voice and presence shows that you care, and that you are actually sorry for what you did.
A couple points to remember about any apology are the following:
- Acknowledge how you affected the other person, showing that you listened to them
- If there was a good reason that you did something, explain it! If you were doing something for a good reason, it will help them understand why you chose to act the way that you did
- Discuss with them what you might be able to do to make up for your lie – such as helping them correct what went wrong
When you apologize, be sure not to sound like you are blaming someone else for having to lie. Even if something terrible was about to happen, lying is wrong! If you try to blame someone else for “forcing” your actions, the person you are trying to ask for forgiveness will only be more annoyed with you.
Also, don’t try to promise you will never lie again. In addition to being a very hard thing to uphold (how do you know you will never, ever lie to them again?), giving them an exaggeration just makes it more likely that the person you are apologizing to will not believe you.
This is a short template that you could use to make your apology easier:
“Hi. I wanted to talk to you directly because I know that my lie about __________ really hurt you. I did not mean to hurt you, and I am very sorry I did it. I thought that lying to you about __________ would be the best way to handle the situation at the time because __________. However, I now see that I was wrong. My lie turned out to _(the bad effects of your lie)__ and everything would have been better if I had been honest from the beginning. I have thought about it, and I would like to make it up to you. Could I (explain how you could make it up to them) so that you will forgive me?”
For example, if I stole my brother’s chocolate cake because I was worried about his sugar intake, I could say:
“BJ, I wanted to talk to you directly because I know that my lie about where your chocolate cake went really hurt you. I did not mean to hurt you, and I am very sorry I did it. I thought that lying to you about the cake would be the best way to handle the situation at the time because I didn’t know how to talk to you about your recent sugar consumption. However, I now see that I was wrong. My lie turned out to stress you out and backfire anyway, and everything would have been better if I had been honest from the beginning. I have thought about it, and I would like to make it up to you. Could I explain more about why I was worried about how much sugar you were eating so that you will forgive me?”
